


lonesome town

by neopathy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-26 02:02:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18174383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neopathy/pseuds/neopathy
Summary: "You're in me, Yuta. And I can't seem to get you out."





	lonesome town

**Author's Note:**

> a little warning beforehand: this is the first fic i've ever written, and i wrote it within a couple of hours in the middle of the night, so please don't expect anything spectacular. tbh i didn't even know where i was going with this when i wrote it, but oh well. also i'm not a native speaker so please excuse grammatical errors/misspellings/weird wording. i hope the read is still somewhat enjoyable.

 

When Sicheng was 9 years old he used to play in the woods near his house, with the other kids from his village. They often played hide and seek and one day he was sitting in his hiding place behind a large bush, for hours it seemed. It was a cold day in late November and the sky was already darkening. He wasn't even sure, if they were still looking for him, for all he'd known they could've given up and gone home to their warm houses a long time ago. As he contemplated whether he, too, should just head home, he felt the soil beneath his fingertips and thought to himself, "What if this is the last time they have seen me? What if I just never returned, nowhere to be found, would they even notice I'm gone? What if I just ran?" Of course he didn't, he set off for his home barely ten minutes later, when the cool breeze was getting too much to bear. He could hardly feel his fingers, immobile and stiff from the cold. As he entered the back door of his house, his mother told him to wash his hands and help prepare the table for dinner.

_Wash your hands. Hurry, your father will be home any minute._

—

 

He woke from his sleep and opened his eyes and the first thing he felt was a sharp jolt of pain in his back. He groaned. As he tried to find a more comfortable position, he could feel the contents of his dreams becoming more and more inaccessible with every second.  
He sat up and tried to remember what he had been dreaming about for a while. He was running. Brown leaves cracking underneath his shoes. He had not been alone. Brown eyes sparkling in the autumn sun. A cocky smile, the owner panting for breath, as he was trying to keep up with Sichengs pace. Of course. Yuta.  
With a deep sigh he stood up and made his way to the bathroom, catching a glimpse of his own reflection as he walked to the sink.

When Sicheng looks at himself in the mirror, he sees a young man who seemingly has everything: delicate, yet manly beauty, an almost magnetic appeal, which has granted him countless admirers, enough money to comfortably live out the rest of his days, a stellar carreer, that has only just begun, overall a promising future. His confusion can't be seen, it isn't visible to the eyes of others, hidden behind his flawless exterior and a thoroughly practiced smile. Still it exists.

_Come on. Wash yourself. Hurry._

 

—

 

It was one of those days Sicheng had loved when he was a child, the ones that seemed to be endless, with blue skies and sunlight that felt like a warm bath on his skin. He recognized Yuta right away, even though he was standing quite far from him, next to the cars they seemed to had just gotten out of, his back turned to Sicheng. His hair color was different, darker than the last time they had seen each other, in fact it was the darkest it had been in years. He was talking to some group members, Sicheng could make out Jungwoos tall figure and Taeils smaller body on the other side. He heard Yuta laugh about something Jungwoo said and felt his insides clench in response. As he slowly made his way through the crowd of staff members and colleagues, greeting people here and there, his heart rate increased with every meter. How would he react?

Suddendly he remembered that day, 8 months ago, the day he and the six other boys had left for China.  
"Don't forget me, Sicheng.", were the last words Yuta had said to him, whispered into his ear, for him to hear only.  
Sicheng wished he could.

When he reached the group he positioned himself next to Taeil, grinning at him, as he pulled Sicheng into a tight hug. "Good to see you, Hyung!" he said, as they parted. He greeted the other members, until he reached Yuta. He cleared his throat.

"Welcome back, Yuta", he said, without a smile.

"Hey, Winnie. Long time no see." Yuta said, smiling brightly, wrapping his arms around Sicheng.

"Yeah... I, uhm-I forgot something, I'll be right back" he said and hurried off, back into the building. He found the nearest restroom and began washing his hands, his palms had started sweating without him noticing. He splashed some cold water on his face.

_Wash your hands. Focus. You can't lose control now._

 

—

 

The following days Sicheng was running on autopilot. Every morning he got up at 7, went for a run, forced himself to eat some food and then practiced all day. No room for thoughts, no place for emotions. The exhaustion he put his body through was making him fall into a deep, dreamless state every night and for a while he deluded himself into thinking he'd be fine, if he just kept going this way. That was until that one Saturday morning, exactly a week after Yuta had come back home, when he bumped into no other, on his way to his morning run.

"Woah, dude, watch your step." Yuta snarled, before he recognized the person he had bumped into. "Winnie! Oh god, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was you. How have you been? Haven't seen you around a lot since we've gotten back."

Sicheng took a few steps back, increasing the distance between them. He pulled back his shoulders and put a neutral expression on his face.

"Yeah, uhm, I'm kind of busy, we're preparing for our comeback next month, you know? It's a quite challenging choreography this time."

"Oh, yeah, I heard about that. Things are going good for you all, huh? I'm happy for you. We still missed you on tour though, god, those were some intense months. You should've seen Jungwoo, he was _thriving_. With every show he got less nervous and more confident, it was truly impressive to witness his development as an artist and especially as a person."

Yutas words irritated Sicheng, he could feel his brow furrowing for a second, before he regained control of his face and forced a smile on it.

"Good for him. So I take it you guys have gotten close?", Sicheng asked, trying to keep his tone casual, almost disinterested.

"Yes, yes we have. I mean it's hard to not get close after going through something like this together. We were roommates, too, so it just came naturally over time. We understand each other a lot better now." Yuta said, smiling widely.

Sichengs eyes wandered from Yutas eyes to his hair, dark and shiny, then from his temple down the side of his face to his lips. He stared at them for a millisecond, then lowered his gaze to the ground, looking at the plain gray linoleum floor.

"I, uh, I gotta go. Running. Practice starts in an hour and I want to do my usual route. Was nice talking to you, though." he said, after a few seconds of silence.

Yuta chuckled. "Running, huh? You still do that? I'll never understand why you put yourself through that on top of practicing all day."

"You know it relaxes me. Always has."

"Yeah. I know. Well I'm sure we'll see each other around soon. Until then..." he lifted his hand for a small wave and raised one eyebrow. "See you, Winnie."

 

—

 

He kept running until his legs ached so much, they collapsed. His hands gripping the grass, he was gasping for air, as his thoughts trailed back to Yuta. _Jungwoo_. Something about the way he looked at Yuta and something about the way Yuta talked about Jungwoo bothered him. Last year when it had been announced that Jungwoo would be a new member of the group Sicheng had been happy for him, he had quickly grown fond of Jungwoos gentle nature and thought he was a great addition to the team. Now he wished he never would've joined the group. Wished he could just wipe him away, far away, for he was much too close to what had once been _his_. He got up and shook his head, as if he was trying to shake off the thought, clenched his fists and started running again.  
As though to match his emotional state, it started raining. Thick, heavy drops, drenching Sicheng within seconds. He didn't mind.

_Cold water, cold blood. No signs of weakness._

 

—

 

The next time he saw Yuta was at the annual SM Halloween Party. He didn't want to go but the company insisted, so he put on the Elf costume they assigned him and let the photographers take their pictures. After making some polite small talk with a few other idols, he thought he had now spent enough time there and could leave without coming across as impolite. He was hoping he'd be able to squeeze in a couple more hours of practice at the gym, and made a stop at the restroom to change out of his costume back into his regular clothes. As he was getting out of his stall, ready to leave, he noticed that there was someone else, washing his hands at the sink. Without looking up, Sicheng said hello and was just about to exit when the other persons voice made him freeze in his tracks. Yuta.

"Winnie!! I saw you in there, I was trying to get to you, but then when I got there you were gone. You looked so cute in your little elf costume." he giggled, his speech slightly slurred. "Are you leaving already?"

"Yeah, yeah I am. Are you drunk?" Sicheng asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Drunk? No. If at all, I am _slightly_ inebriated." Yuta said, followed by a mischievous grin.

"I wish I was though." He made a short pause, leaning back against the sink, looking at Sicheng from below.

"Get drunk with me, Sicheng. I have barely seen you since I've gotten back, let's drink together like old times. I miss having you as my friend."

_Friend._

Sicheng looked at him, not knowing what to say. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out, so he just closed it again after a few moments. He felt stupid. Stupid and vulnerable.  
Yuta pushed himself back up and took a few steps towards Sicheng. His regard had a strange intensity to it, an intent look that made Sicheng feel like Yuta could see right through him.

"Are you okay? Somethings troubling you, isn't it? I think you're overworking yourself, Sicheng, it isn't healthy. You know you can talk to me, right?"

Sicheng didn't say anything. Behind Yuta the faucet was dripping. With every drop, cutting through the silence like gunfire, he could feel his self-control fading away. Those walls he worked so hard to carefully build during the last weeks were tumbling down and there was nothing he could do about it. He wasn't even sure, if he wanted to do anything about it. Every drop, one step closer to salvation. He closed his eyes, frowning. Finally he gave in and took two hasty steps to close the space between them. He pressed his mouth on Yutas and there wasn't anything romantic or sensual about the kiss, yet it did not just feel like waking up, it felt like coming to life. In retrospect there was no way Sicheng could've told how long the kiss lasted, or what exactly happened, all he knew was that Yuta eventually pushed him away, the look on his face one of utter confusion and terror.

"What the _fuck_? What is going on with you?"

Sicheng took a step back, staggering, his hands in the air like a criminal. "I don't know! I don't know, okay?" he shouted, louder than he had planned to.

He cowered down, his head in his hands, gripping his own hair, in an attempt to find something to hold on to, some sort of stability. He took a couple of deep breaths, before he gave in and let the words he had been holding back for so long, come out:

"I don't have the slightest idea what the fuck is wrong with me and why I'm feeling this way all of a sudden, all I know is that I do and that I've never been in this position before, so I don't know how to interpret it, how to handle it, or what to do about it. What I do know, is that something changed about the way I see you, hell, I'm not even sure if I really _have_ seen you before, in the entirety of all that you are. I am embarrassed to say this, but I've been spending _ridiculous_ amounts of time thinking about the curve of your upper lip and the exact motion of how it curls and stretches when you smile and oh god, your smile, that huge, overbearing smile is ingrained into every corner of my degenerate mind and it's driving me crazy! Why do I feel this way, Yuta? What is happening to me?"

His voice had now grown weaker, a pleading tone resonating. He paused for a few seconds and as he continued, the words came out pressed, as if saying them was causing him physical pain.

"I remember how you used to look at me and I remember how I stubbornly ignored it, how I pretended I didn't notice, simply because it was the easiest way to deal with these things unknown to me, these things, that scared me so much, that I pushed them to the very back of my mind and maybe also because you were a boy and no boy was ever supposed to make my heart beat faster, right? It's not what's expected of me and not what I expected of myself and this kind of confusion isn't something I ever wanted in my life. I would politely ask you to leave my head, but then I realize that you dont even know that you've been occupying my brain for these past couple of months and it makes me feel so helpless and... tired. Just tired."

He stood up again, now looking directly at Yuta, his expression one of growing urgency.

"I was a coward, Yuta, and maybe my most cowardly act is this right now, telling you about this tremendous mess in my head, when you're clearly so much happier without me being around. I dont know, I really don't know. I just know I missed you. Your presence, your voice, everything. Still do."

He got even closer now, close enough to hear the other boy's breathing.

"You're _in_ me, Yuta. And I can't seem to get you out."

Unable to move, Sichengs gaze was scanning Yutas face, but to his regret his expression was unreadable. Was it disdain? Pity?

For what seemed like several minutes, no one said a word. Then, when Yuta finally started talking, his voice was barely more than a whisper.

"Whatever you feel, it isn't love. What I felt for you wasn't love either. Not that kind of love, anyway. When you went to China, I was so afraid you would forget me, I was so scared of losing you, but then, after a couple of weeks, when my mind had calmed down enough for me to process my feelings logically, I realized you were never mine to begin with. There was nothing to lose. I loved the idea of you, the idea of us together, I was enchanted by your beauty and your charm, and I was very lonely and trying to fill a void in my life, but it was at no point real. You never cared about me to that extent, and if you think you do now, then maybe you are in that same position I was, all those months ago. But that isn't love, Winnie, that's obsession. It's quite unhealthy."

He took a step forward. "Please don't do this to yourself."

Those last words were much more gentle and as Yuta said them he touched Sichengs cheek, wiping away a single tear. Yuta brought his hand back to his own face, eyeing the liquid with a look of astonishment. For a fraction of a second the eyes of the two boys met and in that moment all the noise in Sichengs head died down, leaving nothing but blissful silence.  
Then Yuta broke the spell, his eyes now avoiding Sichengs, shaking his head and heading for the exit. He didn't say a word and as the door fell shut behind him, Sicheng felt a strange sensation, the vague feeling of loss. He caught his own reflection above the sink. What he saw startled him, he could barely recognize himself. He glared at his disheveled image, the traces of his tears still visible on his cheeks, tears he hadn't even noticed were falling in the first place. Pathetic. _Is that what it does to you?,_  he thought to himself.

 

—

 

The next morning he woke up even earlier than usual. His sleep had been restless, several times he had awakened from unsettling, absurd dreams, heart beating rapidly.  
His body was wound up, as if in anticipation of something big, feeling like a ticking time bomb.  
Later that day, in the afternoon, he saw Yuta in the hallway, apparently on his way to practice.  
Sichengs body panicked, heartbeat growing faster, palms starting to sweat. He mustered up his courage and caught up with Yuta, tapping his shoulder.

"Can we talk?"

Yuta looked at him and then away again quickly, he, too, looked like he had gotten very little sleep that night.

"Sure." he said, with a slight frown. "I don't have a lot of time though, I promised Jungwoo we'd practice together, he's probably waiting already."

"Oh well, in that case I'll make sure to be quick." Sicheng said with a sarcastic smile, unable to hide his feelings. "We don't want poor Jungwoo having to wait for a couple of minutes." Hearing that name alone already put him on edge.

"So, about last night... I might've overreacted a little bit. You're probably right, about this being nothing more than a fleeting obsession, much like this newfound obsession you seem to have developed for Jungwoo. In any case,..."

"What is it about Jungwoo, Sicheng?" Yuta asked, interrupting him. "When did you start harbouring this strange animosity towards him? It doesn't make any sense, he's a good one, you know that."

Sicheng clenched his jaw, staring into Yutas eyes for a few moments without blinking. He could feel Yuta instinctively backing up a bit, going into a defensive position.

"You know, when everyone said Jungwoo was replacing me in the group, I didn't think the same would apply to you. He's the new me, isn't he? Someone helpless to take care of, a new situation to fix? It never really was about me, was it?"

Yuta scoffed. "You're unbelievable." He eyed him intently. "Are you jealous? Of Jungwoo?" He started laughing. "Or are you feeling left out, now that you're practically no longer included in the group?"

Now it was Sichengs turn to laugh. "That's not it. I don't know if you noticed, but our group has been doing very well, too, so, no, I'm in a very good place carrer-wise, thank's a lot. The thing that bothers me is how quickly I've been replaced. Makes you think people never really loved you to begin with. Well, of course, no one ever did."

Yuta stared at him in disbelief.

"Oh, come on! You have millions of people admiring you! Have you seen the masses? Have you heard them scream your name? They all love you, Winnie."

The fact that Yuta was using the nickname he gave him years ago, bothered Sicheng. He felt like Yuta had lost the right to call him that, now that everything between them was falling apart.

"They do not love me! They don't even know me! What they love, is the image they have created in their heads, their own fantasies projected on my physical body, and a carefully crafted image, a facade I have managed to keep up for years, but what's the use of all this? If they ever knew what I was feeling, if they knew how I felt about _you_ , their so called 'love' would fade away within seconds. They would throw me away like a used toy and at best they would feel nothing but indifference toward me, at worst they would despise me. You know they would."

Yuta looked at him for a couple of seconds, not saying anything and when he finally opened his mouth to speak something in his gaze had changed.

"Aren't you being a little dramatic?" he asked, with a small, scornful smile.

"At least you _have_ people supporting you. What do you think is gonna happen to me in a couple of years? Not all of us are lucky enough to have a huge supporting fanbase that guarantees you a future in this business. What does it matter, if they really love you? You should be grateful for their support and just go on with your life, for god's sake. Let it go, Sicheng. They love you in their own way, appreciate it as that and don't be so hard on them. Their way of loving you is no different from the way I loved you. Maybe we're all just trying to get through."

His voice had grown smaller as he said the last words and for a split second Sicheng thought he saw Yutas eyes softening, but then that moment passed and Yuta brushed past him, hurrying down the hallway, the sound of his small, quick steps getting fainter and then dying down completely.

Sicheng stood there for a couple more minutes and then he left too, mechanically walking in the opposite direction, one step after the other, out of the building.

 

—

 

As Sicheng lay in his bed that night, he, despite his body begging for rest, had trouble falling asleep. He thought about what happened within the last 24 hours, how he exposed himself, bared too much of his pathetic, confused state of mind. The sting of regret spread to his insides. Why couldn't he just keep his mouth shut? He thought about the things Yuta told him. _That isn't love, Winnie, that's obsession._ Was it true? Had his brain played a trick on him, had it grown attached to an illusion, in order to deal with the loneliness and immense amounts of stress this job brought with it? _Their way of loving you is no different from the way I loved you._  
He turned around staring at the blank white wall, only faintly illuminated by the orange light of the street lamp in front of his window. Sichengs body was curled up and he felt small and defenseless. The room was cold, but he didn't mind. He felt the tips of his fingers tingling, like they always did when he was starting to feel detached. He hated that feeling. He pressed his thumbnails into the flesh of his fingertips, one by one, trying to remind himself of his own physical existence.  
Sicheng had always liked being alone. But something had changed.  
Outside it had started raining again. The quiet, consistent noise of the raindrops falling on his window put him at ease, his heart was now beating steadily, as he drifted into a peaceful slumbler.

_Go to sleep Sicheng. Come what may, you must never lose control again. No more chaos in your mind. No more pain._

 

—

 

He didn't confront Yuta again. In fact, he avoided him as much as he could and whenever he was forced to interact with him he deliberately kept a polite distance, systematically suppressing every thought of the boy with the poisonous smile. It was better this way for the both of them, at least that's what Sicheng kept telling himself. He had some stuff to figure out on his own and for now the upcoming promotions were keeping him busy. It worried him, to think about how things would be once the promotion period was over, when he'd have more time on his hands than he'd know what to do with, but he tried not to worry too much. His strategy for now was to just let things take their natural path. Maybe he'd just keep running. Or maybe not.  
It was hard to apprehend, but even though Sicheng was now sure that he loved Yuta in some way and there were moments when he had been profoundly happy around him, he never felt free when they were together. The only way he could experience freedom, was when he was on his own, running, running so fast, that everything surrounding him was becoming a blur, nothing to be felt but the hard ground underneath his feet and the aching pain in his lungs.  
To Sicheng freedom had always been more important than happiness. Maybe that's what people call selfishness.

-

This morning he doesn't run his usual route. He takes a left turn and then another one, until he's somewhere he has never been before.  
Change. Perhaps it isn't all that bad.

 

**Author's Note:**

> hiii, again english is not my first language, so it's a little hard for me to express the things the way i'd like them to. if you found any errors or stuff you thought sounded weird feel free to point it out in the comments!! i'd love to have the opportunity to improve my english. any other kind of feedback is also appreciated! thank u very much for reading :)


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